Are we in a gay sports bar?
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
