Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
