im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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