Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
