yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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