Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
