a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
