is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
