Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Even my vagina gasped.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
