i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
