My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
