i would punch a child for taco bell
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
