Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Randomize
