Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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