I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
