I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize