he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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