You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
