Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
