Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
