there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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