you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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