foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
