You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
