i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
