So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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