I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it was like eating out sand paper
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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