Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
