I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
