Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
