Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
