i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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