I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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