Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
