You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
