Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
