4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
