I need to stop coming to work sober
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
