we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
