i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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