I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
