I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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