She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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