i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
