Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
