whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
