Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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