I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
