I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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