i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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