The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
