i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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