Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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