running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
