the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
