Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
