my mouth tastes like poor choices
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
