community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
