Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
