You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize