I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
