he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
