Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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