I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We are all done wearing pants today
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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