yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
