I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
there is glitter all over my balls
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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